A Bucket List?

Subscribed to a blog that I hit and miss frequently but she has so many cool adventures and goes so many places and travels and all that cool stuff and that’s what I wanna do. But then there’s that part of me that seems to can’t let go of obligations and other “already set in place” dreams that I can’t let go of. Things like toning up, growing longer hair, trying to buy a car, and other necessities that take money which take jobs which takes school to get to. And I guess I’m just dangerously impatient with it all. I dunno, I think I have this subconscious thought to be the perfect person BEFORE I start living my life rather than doing so WHILE I am. Little things such as buying clothes that are purposely smaller rather than buying them when they fit just right cause I always say to myself “I’m not going anywhere now” but for some odd reason I just keep thinking that my life will magically get busy when I hit a size 4 or even a 2 (I’ve thought about it). Wearing my hair in these same boring hairstyles because I want it to grow long, making myself work hours at a job I can’t stand (honestly) just because I need to save up and get a car when all I really want to do is just let go of it all and stop planning every damn thing and just roll with it. So sick of strategizing everything you know? Every paycheck I get I have to budget this and budget that, I mean how do people just throw it all in the air and live? How do they do that? I wanna know how to do that! But alas, here I am getting ready to go to work to make try and get closer to one goal: getting a car! Someday I would love to go parasailing, or even just try out that indoor skydiving facility that I passed by one day on a bus ride. I would love to travel to a different country, interact with exotic animals (I would LOVE to see a white tiger, it’s my favorite animal….besides the penguin…). I would love to…..you know, when I come back home I think I’m gonna jot down some ideas. She came up with 50 things for the year, but she can roll like that. I’ll come up with 50 things in general. Sick of being in a rut, gotta start doing SOMETHING that makes me happy now and not sometime in the future you know? But when do I start doing that? I always question this…but I just never have an answer.




Oblivious and Private…Sooooome Combination…

It’s like a push or pull with me. Sometimes I’m there and other times it’s like… … … wow. Did you just…really?

Because I’m so quiet and to myself, people automatically categorize me into this “unidentified” mark I suppose and they talk to me as if they have to think for me. And it’s like, “no, no ma’am I most certainly DO have a brain”, but something in my brain doesn’t click when I need it to. I don’t know if my thinking process is abnormally LONG or abnormally short but it’s definitely not in tune with other people in society… I guess. I feel twelve around some people and forty around others. But above all, I feel… alienated. Just weird, lately I’ve been having a weird week. People keep staring at me and because I don’t like being around people as it is, I don’t know if this is them being normal or if it’s something about me but I’ve had to confront a couple of people about their staring issues and I just wonder…why?

I try not to think that people are watching me and that it could just be my paranoia acting up but it seems like when I do let my guard down, that’s when people start approaching me with all this “why don’t you ever do this?” and “why don’t you ever do that?” and “you’re always so this….or that” which leads me to believe…yeah. I’m being watched. Maybe the average person doesn’t have a problem with that, or those who grew up in a rather large and loving community or just big families or whatever the deal but, me, personally…

I have a problem with that.

Don’t watch me like you know me. If you’re gonna people watch, my advice is get some SHADES. Don’t just stare people down as their walking I mean people do still get self-conscious ya know.

And I know what many people will probably tell me. “This a new age, you gotta build your confidence. And everybody in the world ain’t paying attention to you”. Yes, it’s a new age, and yes I gotta get comfortable in my skin but does that mean I don’t have a right to feel what I feel? I mean, since when is it against the law to not want my privacy invaded? Just like with this blog thing, or not even this, just social medias in general. I mean NOTHING is private, people have to voice everything. Maybe it’s just me….okay it IS me, but I like when people have a little privacy about them. It makes them more interesting. That could very well explain why people always feel the need to “figure me out” and I’m left there looking at them thinking to myself, “there’s really nothing to FIGURE OUT”. People don’t ask me things, they just automatically assume…I think they like it that way. Oh, there I go assuming. lol! *Fail*

I mean, I was just noticing today while I was out and about how I really do not like running into the same people all the time. lol All my bus drivers, students at school, people that I pass by everyday while on my way to the bus stops, they’re regulars you know? Even at the resturaunts I go eat at it, I promise you I HATE becoming a regular. lol I really do, because then people seem to expect you to make conversation with them and I’ll be honest, I don’t really have conversation for these people. Or perhaps I do but my delivery is… off. Amatuer you could even say. And then there’s that awkward moment when they’re standing there fixing your plate and you have nothing to say but just stand there smiling….ugh, gawd. My communication needs more than a tweak! But you know what, oh well! Because on this world there is a variety of people right? And I just happen to be apart of that variety that doesn’t like to talk.

So bite me.

You know what? I won’t let anybody make me feel bad for being who I am.


I’m saying that now, but we’ll see what happens tomorrow. lol



Just Been Wondering….

Away, wondering, like I normally do when I get caught up with life.

And I *really* don’t understand “what” I’m getting caught up in because nothing dramatic has happened….yet. Or maybe it has? I’m usually the person that likes to take in my surroundings, that can easily get caught up in the cool breeze blowing through the trees, easily get distracted and preoccupied with the jagged flight of a colorful butterfly, that can truly bounce from memory to memory, scene to scene, and just sit back and take it all in.

But lately I feel like I haven’t been doing that. Like I’ve just given into “going with the motions”. It’s easy for me to get so preoccupied I forget about my priorities and doing the things that were actually working for me. Like, for one, eating right and exercising.

So I looked it up and tried to research myself. I research tons of things (except what I NEED to…) and got struck with a drilling thought. Maybe I have adult ADD?? Alot of the symptoms I carry like distraction, procrastination, forgetfulness, moodiness, and that’s probably why I still can’t keep a steady pace of this blog. So, I don’t care to get diagnosed for it right now because it’s incurable. So lets say I do have it, wow. Soooo, how we gonna fix it? And I’m not all for medicine and pill poppin’ either. I likes to keep my remedies as natural as possible. So I’ll just start trying out the things they suggested which I had been doing anyway like exercising and eating right, then they said to get adequate sleep in, and…..something else…oh! Keep a planner! I was horrible with keeping up with planners but I figured, since I’ve gotten better at keeping a journal, why not try it again? It may help.

But it makes me wonder though. This probably isn’t something that just started happening. You know how when you think of the ADD kid, it’s that hyper kid bouncing on his toes that just won’t freakin SHUT UP!!!!!!? I was not that kid. I was a daydreamer. I was quiet, my mom used to call me The Mute…. I was just that quiet. Up until a few years ago, I easily isolated myself, easily muted out the world, and easily dreamt the days away. I still carry those traits. Now it’s not just the daydreaming, I get easily distracted. The slightest footstep will make me turn my head. I turn my head at everything. People never interested me, but life did, so I wasn’t exactly suicidal, but I did always dream about living on Mars or some crazy thing like that. lol If I’m doing something, like say writing this post (and I do this alot) and a sudden thought pops into my head like pianos or drawing or job searching, I will almost immediately pop up a new tab and start researching it for HOURS and probably will not finish this post until like five hours later. And the more I started to do this, I began to notice that this is kinda problematic. I forget things easily and without the aid of my beloved Android that I could keep all my notes on, it’s harder to remember what I was going to a store to get. I take a few steps though, and THEN it clicks. Like I have to turn on a switch or something and I notice it gets worse the less I try and keep fit or at least eat right. So lets sum this all up shall we?

Probably got ADD, an avoidant personality disorder (I guess), paranoid, chlaustrophobic, annnnnd I’m iron deficient. lol! kRaIzY combo right!?!

Who cares. There’s something wrong with everyone right? There has to be cause nobody’s perfect. What’s your combination? (and I’m actually quite surprised I wrote this entire post in one sitting……)

Toodles ♥

Foreign Kids in a Retail Store on a Saturday Night….

I had a really good day at work though I think it was Saturday? But Sunday was alright too. But the highlight of Saturday night was when these spanish brazilian folks came in with these 3 LOUD kids! It was a girl and two boys. The girl looked about five, and so the boys had to be like 2 and 4? They were young. But they were just running around, slamming fitting room doors, and screaming. I was so set to smack them all the way outside. But what pissed me off is when they started messing with those hooks on the doors.


DO NOT TOUCH THE HOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s like a SERIOUS pet peeve of mine when kids come in with their parents!!!!

Continue reading

GE X500 On Its Way!

So I put in to get my camera earlier today! My original plan was to wait until next week, but I had an on the spur of the moment kinda attitude and figured, I could do the weekly payment of $35. They said it should be here by the first of May! I seriously cannot wait until I get my hands on that beginning SLR camera with that beautiful clarity, zoom, and focus! I’ve been wanting to upgrade from a regular point and shoot for awhile now and though I do plan on getting my nikon coolpix point and shoot camera repaired sometime soon (just for those quick times, ya know).

I don’t know if I will start making youtube videos after this camera arrives. Maybe someday, but what I do know is that now I want have to take anymore dingy android pictures (sorry Android ;)) and I can finally have some nice looking photos on here, not to mention up to date. And my photo blog Six~Foot~Cotton will also be trying to get off the ground a bit so you guys make sure you head on over there and check for updates as well….you know, if you love pictures and photography and generalized creative artist type of things. I’m not a very advanced artist, but I’m totally down with showing you all what I do and how I progress.