This Whole Bucket List Thing…


STILL have not sat down to start thinking up what I wanna do.

I think in a sense, I’m avoiding it. Until I watched “Wipeout” last night (ya’ll that is the GREATEST show for meaningless laughter lol!) but one of the contestants on there was a 19 year old high schooler who said that being on Wipeout was on her Bucket List. And you know what? She won the whole show! Her name was Camille “Bucket List” Bulot.

I thought that was so cool that she got on it and won the entire show and took home $50,000! I’m not saying I would want to get on Wipeout though I love the show, but those obstacle courses look mad tough and dizzying. But sometimes I wonder why I haven’t even sat down to conjure up a list of ideas. I speak all the time about wanting to change but sometimes, I feel like there’s this tiny little cell in my body that’s not onboard for the change and it’s influencing the rest of me. My heart’s in the right place but maybe my conscious is a little TOO conscious.

So I’m forcing myself to come up with some ideas. And these are some that keep sticking to my mind:

  • Indoor Skydiving Facility….here I come!
  • Travel to: London/Paris, Italy, Barcelona, and Canada.
  • Go on a hiking trail
  • Attend a show at the Bob Carr
  • Go to an Art Museum
  • Go to a Spa Resort
  • Learn how to Surf
  • Learn how to Ice Skate
  • Take a Pole Dancing Class (yeah….I said it….lol)
  • Meet Bruno Mars….or at least go to a Concert lol

Umm yeah. Nothing too big and fancy. I’m working up to the big things. If you read my post about my trip to the fair, then you already know I have a fear of heights. Well, at least rocking booths in the air. I didn’t even know I was that terrified of the Ferris Wheel….until I got on it. LOL! But anyways, I’ll go now. Maybe this shall be my Bucket List for now. We’ll see what happens shall we?

 

~MsKraizy!

Oblivious and Private…Sooooome Combination…


It’s like a push or pull with me. Sometimes I’m there and other times it’s like… … … wow. Did you just…really?

Because I’m so quiet and to myself, people automatically categorize me into this “unidentified” mark I suppose and they talk to me as if they have to think for me. And it’s like, “no, no ma’am I most certainly DO have a brain”, but something in my brain doesn’t click when I need it to. I don’t know if my thinking process is abnormally LONG or abnormally short but it’s definitely not in tune with other people in society… I guess. I feel twelve around some people and forty around others. But above all, I feel… alienated. Just weird, lately I’ve been having a weird week. People keep staring at me and because I don’t like being around people as it is, I don’t know if this is them being normal or if it’s something about me but I’ve had to confront a couple of people about their staring issues and I just wonder…why?

I try not to think that people are watching me and that it could just be my paranoia acting up but it seems like when I do let my guard down, that’s when people start approaching me with all this “why don’t you ever do this?” and “why don’t you ever do that?” and “you’re always so this….or that” which leads me to believe…yeah. I’m being watched. Maybe the average person doesn’t have a problem with that, or those who grew up in a rather large and loving community or just big families or whatever the deal but, me, personally…

I have a problem with that.

Don’t watch me like you know me. If you’re gonna people watch, my advice is get some SHADES. Don’t just stare people down as their walking I mean people do still get self-conscious ya know.

And I know what many people will probably tell me. “This a new age, you gotta build your confidence. And everybody in the world ain’t paying attention to you”. Yes, it’s a new age, and yes I gotta get comfortable in my skin but does that mean I don’t have a right to feel what I feel? I mean, since when is it against the law to not want my privacy invaded? Just like with this blog thing, or not even this, just social medias in general. I mean NOTHING is private, people have to voice everything. Maybe it’s just me….okay it IS me, but I like when people have a little privacy about them. It makes them more interesting. That could very well explain why people always feel the need to “figure me out” and I’m left there looking at them thinking to myself, “there’s really nothing to FIGURE OUT”. People don’t ask me things, they just automatically assume…I think they like it that way. Oh, there I go assuming. lol! *Fail*

I mean, I was just noticing today while I was out and about how I really do not like running into the same people all the time. lol All my bus drivers, students at school, people that I pass by everyday while on my way to the bus stops, they’re regulars you know? Even at the resturaunts I go eat at it, I promise you I HATE becoming a regular. lol I really do, because then people seem to expect you to make conversation with them and I’ll be honest, I don’t really have conversation for these people. Or perhaps I do but my delivery is… off. Amatuer you could even say. And then there’s that awkward moment when they’re standing there fixing your plate and you have nothing to say but just stand there smiling….ugh, gawd. My communication needs more than a tweak! But you know what, oh well! Because on this world there is a variety of people right? And I just happen to be apart of that variety that doesn’t like to talk.

So bite me.

You know what? I won’t let anybody make me feel bad for being who I am.

 

I’m saying that now, but we’ll see what happens tomorrow. lol

 

Toodles!

All Is Fair In Blogs ‘n Privacy


I think now I probably get why my blogs never stay running. This blog has to be my longest running blog though it’s not my most popular blog I’ve ever had.

But it’s because I’m a fairly private person.

The reason I started this blog was to begin voicing my opinion on different subject matters, and learn how to be strong about confrontations, strength my communications skills and above all, just get verbal about things.

And then slowly and more slowly I drifted. This blog became desolate as the two things I was passionate about on here (art and hair) migrated into separate blogs. And I notice I’ve been posting more to those than I do to this one. I said this would be my life blog, but by the look of it, you might say I’m a pretty boring person.

Sometimes you could say that, but I have too much rolling around this brain that I find myself hard to make into words or more accurately, want to make into words. I’ve always been the person who would rather write it out and burn the scraps rather than cry it all out to a fellow individual. So me and this “speaking my mind” thing never truly mixed.

To be honest, I don’t even know how to bring this blog back to life. But I won’t quit now! All of my subbies have probably gone away, unfollowed me but it’s okay. The only people I want subscribed to me are the ones who care to hear what I have to say, ALL THE TIME! To me, numbers don’t mean anything if nobody takes the time to even read what you have to say.

In a veeeery early post, I once wrote about how I was gonna get more personal with my blog, and I was gonna post more frequently and da-da-da-da-this because I had so many things to think and write about. But every time I wrote a post, I deleted it. For fear of being judged, harrassed, criticized, and I guess I just haven’t learned to handle that. Or maybe I have and I’m just not giving myself a chance to be tested. You know I do that sometimes. I think we all as humans do that from time to time. We get all raveled up in saying what we can’t do, but we don’t give ourselves a chance to be tested enough to see if we actually CAN!!

Well I’m kind of tired of not testing myself. Someone once said “everyday, do something that terrifies you!” and putting aside my privacy to write out my thoughts and let people read them has to be one of thee BIGGEST fears I can think of. It’s fun when people don’t know you inside and out you know? I was always that “mysterious kid” so putting my thoughts out seems to counteract what I worked so hard to maintain. LOL! I mean, I tested myself a little bit writing that one post about “no more villages to raise children” because that was pretty personal. I think I rewrote that post about four times before actually posting it because I wanted my wording to be right and I didn’t want to offend anyone. I got a disagreeing comment but she was very nice about it and I appreciate that. That is what I need to test myself on. Debates! So please, COMMENT. Test me (but don’t be rude please) and lets have a discussiong. I think this is why UncommittedCoils is still hanging by a thread because I’ve thought numerous times about just deleting this blog…..yet another one, right? But for some reason, I think this blog is still here because deep down I really want my thoughts to be voiced and my opinions to be heard. If we’re gonna start somewhere, why not start here?…..Eh, sure. But alas, if you continue to stay tuned, thank you.

If you don’t wanna, don’t subscribe, or unsubscribe. I mean, this IS still UncommittedCoils! I didn’t say there would be a consistency of posts now did I? Now….what to talk about? Good gravy nuggets now I’ve run out of ideas!

Toodles

A Hate-Love Relationship with New Year’s Resolutions!!!


I hate them.

I ♥ them.

Isn’t that how it always is?

The only reason I love New Year’s Resolutions is because it gives me a chance to make a new promise, to finally have the chance to make the year ahead of me a GREAT ONE. It allows me to see what I’ve accomplished the year before and the progress I’ve made and transform those results into something better for the next year.

But if you’re an uncommitted being like me, then you also HATE New Year’s Resolutions! Why? Because deep down somewhere deep down underneath all this biology in my body, I know I’m not gonna stick to it. I’m gonna be like those people who only lasts with their intentions for a good week, and by next month, my New year’s “promise” is a thing of the past.

Can I tell you how much I HATE that!!!!? UGH!

And then we get down to the end of the year and have to scrape my progress together because I know I probably only accomplished half of what I wanted to do that year.

Some people have the incredible ability to set a goal for themselves and zoom right through it as if trials don’t exist in their vocabulary. Others have their setbacks, but they seem to posess an incredible stack of motivation to help them explode through the final rounds of it.

Other people…. like me…. seem to lack alot of what I need. Thus “Uncommitted Coils” came to life. And so far, I’m doing okay with sticking to this blog. Come the 16th of January, UncommittedCoils will be a year old! SO TAKE THAT!

Okay, I’m back. But anyways, I kind of was not looking forward to doing Resolutions for 2013, which is why I’m late on making some. Best believe, I have my resolutions all ready and neatly filed a month before the new year enters, but I just didn’t want to make yet another false promise to myself that I was probably going to fall through again. Though my determination is beginning to turn on again, I didn’t want to give myself the chance to set out for something and fail again. You know what my New Year’s Resolutions for 2013 is gonna be?

Nothing.

Absolutely… nothing.

But I’m not gonna sit back and do nothing, just the opposite! I’m gonna lose the weight, and go to school, and get a car, and all that other stuff. I hope to accomplish it one day, and soon! But I’m not gonna promise myself anything. It’s simply my intentions. It is my “intention” to make 2013 another successful year. Don’t get me wrong, since 2010 every year has slowly been successful for me, but I think it’s time I ramp up the speed now. I think I’ve done alot for my mentality those two years, this year…. I’ve got to stand out a little bit and stop keeping everything in my head. So I guess I have no REAL New Year’s Resolutions and believe me, it’s KILLING me not to have made any this year, and I’m enjoying reading about everyone else’s resolutions, but for right now. I’m gonna keep to starting and instilling better habits and just go from there.

Enough sitting here promising myself.

This year, Just DO IT.

Toodles… ♥

When Do You Decide to Change?


There has to come a point in your life where you are running through the daily events of your life, living each day in the same rut daydreaming about the person you will be next year, or next month, even tomorrow… but for the time you are present in life, you do nothing today to change the outcome for tomorrow.

Well I for one am sick of that cycle.

Today was going to end up as any regular day off from work, sleeping in until whenever and finding it hard to peel myself off of the sheets. Probably fish around in the kitchen for another unhealthy meal, or quick fix situation, and end up in my room practicing the piano, writing, or surfing over the internet dreading for the following day I had to return to work. Yes, my cycle of life, and in this cycle I have my short bursts of daydreams about “one day I will be this person…” and knowing deep in my heart, I’m not doing anything to work towards that “person”.

Nelly is styled in big Marley Twists in case anyone was wondering....

Nelly is styled in big Marley Twists in case anyone was wondering….

Well today I have, and I’m going to make it a habit to stick to it. Habits, especially the worthwhile ones, have to become ingrained in you, have to become deeply rooted in you until it becomes a force to be reckoned with when you try to go against doing so. It’s obvious that I don’t think of working out as a deeply rooted habit, but rather a tool that I need to get to my dreams. Looking at it that way, my goals always seem so far-fetched and distant and as if I will never EVER reach them. Sometimes it feels like the more I look into the distance at my goal, the closer I get to it, I feel like it’s moving further away as my life changes, my ideas, my everything. My life. And with the constant flicking about in my mind, of course it’s always gonna seem like it’s scooting further and further away from me. I’m the type of person that likes to look up and be surprised at my results and progress. I just like to walk right into success without having to think about how long it’s gonna take to get there. True, to an extent I do map out future goals and plans, but after a week of that, I forget about it and months later when I just happen to check back in, I’m amazed. But with working out, it hasn’t been like that. I’m always scrutinizing every aspect, analyzing every crack, and detailing every piece of information that happens, and with fitness results being a rather slow progress, that can get tedious, boring, and discouraging.

It’s different than growing hair. You know no matter if you follow a consistent regimen or not, hair will grow. Point blank. But with losing weight, you have to consciously detail your day to get even the tiniest results. And so every couple of months I seem to fall off the bandwagon and not return until another three or so months. Haaaaa…..

So when do I decide to change? When does that time come when I’m tired of wishing when I could wear those size sixes and fours, have that flat tummy I desire, and not feel self conscious about wearing rather bold clothing?

I would kinda like that… NOW. But I don’t want to look at this as yet ANOTHER journey and get discouraged about how much further I will have to go. True, I’ve come a pretty far way from where I started, but it still feels like I have a way to go. And it’s not like I have another fifty or hundred pounds to lose, I’m just trying to get to a size four-six! I’m already a size eight-ten (more ten these days). Currently, I have about three pieces of clothing bought for seriously cheap bucks (like three and six dollars) that I’m using for goal clothing. They are size 6’s and 8’s currently, and my goal is to be able to get in them soon! I start school in January officially, I would like to be able to fit them then but I doubt it (it’s like a month from now) but we’ll see what happens. I’m gonna buy more cheap clothing as I find them at my job so I can have an actual “wardrobe” for when I do get smaller instead of walking around in my soon-to-be baggy clothes. So instead of looking as it as a journey, I’ll look at it as a habit and try not to focus on what will be next year but instead as what’s happening now. If I start looking at life as going day by day, I wonder how much more I would accomplish…..

We shall see.

Toodles  ♥

LOOK OUT MOZART……well, get your Binoculars…lol


I’m getting alot better at my piano playing you guys! ONE day once I get over my nerves, I’ll post a video of what I sound like but so far, I’ve finished learning A Thousand Miles on going on to learn my favorite new song “Driveby” by Train! lol I just adore that song I could listen to it for days! So far I got the first half down. I know you guys probably won’t believe that I’m getting good until you actually hear me, but I’ve come along way. From one-handed, single finger key pusher, to this *growing* dynamic two-handed player. I’m enjoying it alot! So I’ve taken it upon myself to learn “chords”. Still not good at reading sheet music, I’ve actually kinda tossed that aside. I’m beginning to see that reading sheet music is not as important as I thought it was. I mean it’s cool for when you want to learn how to play a wide variety of songs but for people like me who just like making up sounds, stick to the ear-playing for a minute. After I learn Driveby, I will go back to K-Ci and Jojo’s “All My Life” and see if I can learn the song all the way through. Tutorials are great for getting the basics, but I have been adding my own flavor to it which is how it should be. You should enjoy what you do at least some time in your life right?

I’m enjoying the piano so much! I WILL get myself an acoustic piano one day. I think music would sound better if I knew how to do the pedaling on a regular piano as opposed to trying to make it sound that way on an electric keyboard, which I’m pretty good with. But I like the transitioning tone of one tone fading in after the new one pounds away. I like that. And I think an acoustic piano can bring that. But I will never toss this keyboard that I have aside! I will play that thing until it runs into the ground! It’s what started it all (well actually, the miniature yellow kiddie piano started it all…..lol!). Sooo yeah. Like I said, I’ve learned the chords. A, B, Bb, C, F, Gb, and G and all the majors, minors, augmented and diminished. Let me see if I can remember which one is which. Major is when the middle finger goes up a half step, minor is the middle finger going down a half step or note. However you say it. Augmented I believe is when the third finger (or last finger….ya’ll know what I mean!) goes up a half step and diminished is taken from the minor. So the middle finger would go down a half step and the last finger would go down a half step……am I right? Could I get an A+ in piano playing 101?!?!! lol

And to add to that, I’m also trying to learn the Blues Scales. I kinda got a cool tone down but I’m trying to work with a way to play it. That’s what I really wanna get good at is playing the Blues on the piano, I’ve ALWAYS loved that. But hey, playing favorite songs are cool too. *sighh…….. Gonna be a GREAT piano player ya’ll!…..well, at least good enough for when company comes over. Tee hee.

UGGGGH!!!! WordPress is TRIPPING with the video pasting! But PLEASE click >>>HERE<<< to watch this guy play “Driveby”. He plays by ear and it is the best one I’ve heard yet you will NOT be disappointed. You may even subscribe! 😉

 

 

Toodles!

Can You Tell When A Door is Opening For You?


I’m noticing something. I can get so focused on a door shutting me out, that I don’t recognize if there is possibly another one opening up to me.

I had a prime example today.

I’ve been trying to get into school for 3D animation for…..all year. But in the back of my mind, I honestly don’t wanna go back. I think I’m going back mainly because in some faint place of my heart, I actually “am” worried about how others view me not wanting to go to school and trying to pursue something different.

I mean, furthering education is a gift, and it’s an optional neccessity. But for some folks whose mandatory school life was already H. E. double hockey sticks……you know. We ain’t trying to go back. lol

So I’m sitting there, getting my financial aid cleared right, and I got my little green slip and I was all excited about that, and then when I went to go speak to the counselour, there she laid on my the long awaited, but disappointing news.

Thee classes.

Are.

FULL.

 

Part of me was shouting YAAAAAY!

But another part of me was like BOOOOOOO!

That part. Was the reality part. Was the gotta-go-home part. Was the “how are you gonna tell your mum?” part. -_-” Ugh, hate those parts.

 

And so I toured the Downtown area, and I was looking to go sit beside the lake and look out over the sapphire blue water that actually fades into a murky green when you get closer to it. I was all hyped to go and be next to the Swans and the ducks, and to watch them waddle back and forth, grace the waters with their beauty, I was seriously ready to just let nature run through my mind and put me at ease. It wasn’t school I was stressed about, it was going home.

But, I couldn’t GET to the lake! I couldn’t find that little lake for NOTHING in the world. But I tell you what I DID find. THE LIBRARY! lol So I walked in there, not intending to check out anything but it reminded me of how I used to be a library assistant in middle school and how I loved that and missed lining the books to the end of shelves and organizing it and doing the Dewey Decimal System, I kinda missed that. So out of nowhere, I didn’t even expect to ask, but the lady told me there were openings available and I sat down and applied there just from memory.

Could I really get a job there? This job offers perks that I could REALLY use! I know that jobs are not stable, there’s probably no security promised or anything…..but it’s still experience. Most people don’t even get jobs in their college major or whatever. I think I’m a person that feels that sometimes, experience is valued more than education. I want to live a life of stories and experience than to live a life succumbing to bills and that other stuff. I want to travel and see things and this is why I need a new camera (gritting teeth) because my mind is always branching off into these distant fairytale lands that I know somehow, SOMEWHERE they exist. All it is a lake surrounded by trees, or a mountain that overlooks the land. You mean to tell me something like THAT doesn’t exist!?

 

I said I wanted to get a car, and some other things. And this job will help me do that.

 

I didn’t think much of it while I was applying, because of course the job is NOT promised to me.

But somehow I feel like it is……

 

Sometimes I wonder. Can you really tell when a door is opening for you? How do you feel about that?

 

Toodles….