My Bird’s Been Shot

I haven’t told you guys what great news happened while I was at my job a couple nights ago! There was a couple that came in that were very impressed with my customer service and they offered me a job with much better perks than I have currently. They told me that they would talk to their manager and try to get me an interview and of course, I jumped onboard for it. I mean if you have the audacity to come on my JOB and offer me a new position, SOMETHING has to be good about it. 😉

So he just called me tonight to see if I was still interested in coming to see what they were all about and I am….until I found out it was out by UCF. I will admit…I wasn’t really listening when he was telling me where they were and what position they were willing to hire me for (I was still high on “eh mah gawd, i just got interviewed on my job!!!” lol.

But now my heart’s a little heavy because if the position IS that far out by UCF then I have NO reason to accept that job because it’s waaaay too far. I’m hoping deep down it’s one of those things where this is where they will interview at and NOT where the actual position will be. I don’t know what I was thinking when I said “okay, I’ll be there”. But… I can’t be there. And it’s gonna KILL me to tell that man that I can’t accept that job because it’s too far out for me to come out.

But I’m hoping, I have a “little” bit of hope that I’m wrong. Because, I told them I was in school and they know where I work so why would they offer me a job that was so far out of the way? I dunno, but if it is where the position is number one, I WILL be pissed. And number 2, waaaay too depressed to even think about therapy.

You know why? Because THIS was gonna be the job that would’ve created an outlet for me. It could’ve been the job to help me get a car, to help me get my bucket list ideas out, to help me CHANGE. And I have no way to get there……….UGGGGGGGGH GAAAAAAAAAAWD!

I’m so over having to pass up great oppurtunities because I have no way to get there.

You know…I know I said I would use that financial aid disbursement to get a computer which I kinda need for class….but I may turn around and get a car with it. So sick of “not having the means to get there” and having to rely on everyone else to help me get there. Man I don’t want to tell that man I can’t accept that position but hey…it may not have even been legit. It may have been just as cruddy as the job I have now.

Awww who am I kidding, I could’ve had something great! 😦 *pouting*




Sweet, Sweet….Dust.

I’ve hit that part of my life where I just want to turn into colorful pixelated dust and blow away in the breeze.

When depression hits, lawd knows it hits HARD.

But who cares right? Cause it’s just another…whatever people think. I’m so annoyed and I don’t want to be bothered even thought I do. I just don’t want it to be the “wrong” person that comes. I need someone who will listen to me the way I listen to them. Not listen for a few seconds and automatically assume they have the prescription for my ‘unhappiness’. Nooo I’ve figured that out already, I just need for you to be my friend.

And when I say that I mean “MY” definition of friend.

Not oh you just need to go shopping and do all this other stuff sometimes, I just want you to LISTEN and say that you CARE even if you DON’T. SOMETIMES I don’t need to hear what’s wrong with me, 9 out of 10 times I already KNOW. Sometimes, I just want…. I don’t even know anymore. My brain is exhausted trying to figure it all out.

Just turn me into dust…colorful dust, and let me blow in the breeze.

Right now, I think that’s what will make me the happiest.