My Bird’s Been Shot

I haven’t told you guys what great news happened while I was at my job a couple nights ago! There was a couple that came in that were very impressed with my customer service and they offered me a job with much better perks than I have currently. They told me that they would talk to their manager and try to get me an interview and of course, I jumped onboard for it. I mean if you have the audacity to come on my JOB and offer me a new position, SOMETHING has to be good about it. 😉

So he just called me tonight to see if I was still interested in coming to see what they were all about and I am….until I found out it was out by UCF. I will admit…I wasn’t really listening when he was telling me where they were and what position they were willing to hire me for (I was still high on “eh mah gawd, i just got interviewed on my job!!!” lol.

But now my heart’s a little heavy because if the position IS that far out by UCF then I have NO reason to accept that job because it’s waaaay too far. I’m hoping deep down it’s one of those things where this is where they will interview at and NOT where the actual position will be. I don’t know what I was thinking when I said “okay, I’ll be there”. But… I can’t be there. And it’s gonna KILL me to tell that man that I can’t accept that job because it’s too far out for me to come out.

But I’m hoping, I have a “little” bit of hope that I’m wrong. Because, I told them I was in school and they know where I work so why would they offer me a job that was so far out of the way? I dunno, but if it is where the position is number one, I WILL be pissed. And number 2, waaaay too depressed to even think about therapy.

You know why? Because THIS was gonna be the job that would’ve created an outlet for me. It could’ve been the job to help me get a car, to help me get my bucket list ideas out, to help me CHANGE. And I have no way to get there……….UGGGGGGGGH GAAAAAAAAAAWD!

I’m so over having to pass up great oppurtunities because I have no way to get there.

You know…I know I said I would use that financial aid disbursement to get a computer which I kinda need for class….but I may turn around and get a car with it. So sick of “not having the means to get there” and having to rely on everyone else to help me get there. Man I don’t want to tell that man I can’t accept that position but hey…it may not have even been legit. It may have been just as cruddy as the job I have now.

Awww who am I kidding, I could’ve had something great! 😦 *pouting*




Sweet, Sweet….Dust.

I’ve hit that part of my life where I just want to turn into colorful pixelated dust and blow away in the breeze.

When depression hits, lawd knows it hits HARD.

But who cares right? Cause it’s just another…whatever people think. I’m so annoyed and I don’t want to be bothered even thought I do. I just don’t want it to be the “wrong” person that comes. I need someone who will listen to me the way I listen to them. Not listen for a few seconds and automatically assume they have the prescription for my ‘unhappiness’. Nooo I’ve figured that out already, I just need for you to be my friend.

And when I say that I mean “MY” definition of friend.

Not oh you just need to go shopping and do all this other stuff sometimes, I just want you to LISTEN and say that you CARE even if you DON’T. SOMETIMES I don’t need to hear what’s wrong with me, 9 out of 10 times I already KNOW. Sometimes, I just want…. I don’t even know anymore. My brain is exhausted trying to figure it all out.

Just turn me into dust…colorful dust, and let me blow in the breeze.

Right now, I think that’s what will make me the happiest.



This Whole Bucket List Thing…

STILL have not sat down to start thinking up what I wanna do.

I think in a sense, I’m avoiding it. Until I watched “Wipeout” last night (ya’ll that is the GREATEST show for meaningless laughter lol!) but one of the contestants on there was a 19 year old high schooler who said that being on Wipeout was on her Bucket List. And you know what? She won the whole show! Her name was Camille “Bucket List” Bulot.

I thought that was so cool that she got on it and won the entire show and took home $50,000! I’m not saying I would want to get on Wipeout though I love the show, but those obstacle courses look mad tough and dizzying. But sometimes I wonder why I haven’t even sat down to conjure up a list of ideas. I speak all the time about wanting to change but sometimes, I feel like there’s this tiny little cell in my body that’s not onboard for the change and it’s influencing the rest of me. My heart’s in the right place but maybe my conscious is a little TOO conscious.

So I’m forcing myself to come up with some ideas. And these are some that keep sticking to my mind:

  • Indoor Skydiving Facility….here I come!
  • Travel to: London/Paris, Italy, Barcelona, and Canada.
  • Go on a hiking trail
  • Attend a show at the Bob Carr
  • Go to an Art Museum
  • Go to a Spa Resort
  • Learn how to Surf
  • Learn how to Ice Skate
  • Take a Pole Dancing Class (yeah….I said it….lol)
  • Meet Bruno Mars….or at least go to a Concert lol

Umm yeah. Nothing too big and fancy. I’m working up to the big things. If you read my post about my trip to the fair, then you already know I have a fear of heights. Well, at least rocking booths in the air. I didn’t even know I was that terrified of the Ferris Wheel….until I got on it. LOL! But anyways, I’ll go now. Maybe this shall be my Bucket List for now. We’ll see what happens shall we?



My Trip to the Fair…

So a couple of days ag on Friday night, I headed out to the Fair with my family, not really itching to go in the first place because 1) it was cold and 2) I was thinking I kinda grew out of the Fair. Both were true, but for once, I got talked back into going.

And realized why I wasn’t going anymore.

Everything initially was pretty much the same, the security that check your bags, the ticket salesmans, all that stuff but going in there, it seemed like I would’ve remembered it differently had I been a child compared to when I went last Friday. Now you know (if you’ve ever been) how the mini game people heckle you to come and pay for a little show or game because hey, that’s what they’re there to do right? But for some reason, these people seemed very aggressive, almost like beggars. Maybe even like homeless people…..with a job. Passed by one guy and he was heckling my dad for a good couple of minutes saying “C’mon man, gimme five bucks so I can buy a beer!”…..I don’t think I remembered any of that when I was like 11…. The staff seemed oblivious of the people, everyone looked positively pissed and bored, nobody cracked a smile for a nothing! I promise you the only people who looked remotely happy were the kids!

So I played a mini game and won a little killer way stuffed animal. I felt so bad I kinda got coaxed into it. The guy told me “It’s been slow all week! Nobody comes to the fair anymore!”

You’re right about that. Why would they when they’ve got games and TV and quick-processed food? I never realized this as a kid but these people travel with the Fair and I guess that’s why I felt a little sorry for them. But, maybe they get business elsewhere huh? I’m thinking that eventually the Fair may close down because it’s really no business there. The park was pretty much EMPTY. I mean, there’s more people on that property when there’s a JOB Fair as opposed to the FAIR Fair, ya know?

BUT, i did do my own little bit of fear-conquering. I have to say that I am NOT a Ride Fanatic! I hate even the slightest Turbo of speed. Picture Spongebob….anywhere…..yeah. That pretty much explains it. lol

But my mom wanted me to get on at least one ride and so I chose the Ferris Wheel thinking that would be easy for me because I would go on it as a kid.

Why in the Heeby Jeebies did I EVER do that?

I got on it, nerves were in complete chaos before I even TOUCHED the seat. Got in it, and then the wheel started turning and we were going up, and up….and up. Mom had to blatantly note how fast the wheel would go while we were going up and I immediately got those “I’m-Gonna-Die” nerves though I tried to not let it show too much. Trying to be tough on the Ferris Wheel! LOL Go ahead and laugh, cause at least I did it! I was pretty good and getting comfortable at least until we were STOPPED at the very TOP of the doggone thing! And then the seats started rocking back and forth. I promise you ever single bad scenario played in my mind like some hyper movie. I thought the bolts would unscrew and we would tumble to the ground, another seat would bump into us and make the seat rock even more, I thought about the wheel becoming unhinged from the rest of the ride and rolling off into the distance, GAWD I wanted to start crying. lol But I didn’t, I kept laughing it off and holding on for dear life. And then the man finally brought us back down, I can’t tell you how I fast I got out of that little seat!

Yeah, that was a bit too much for me. But I was just trying to make the best of that little fair but I garuntee you one thing.

I ain’t going back. lol


Fitness Monthly- March 6

This is for FEBRUARY. Buuut, I was a little late on getting it in. Ya’ll know how it is. lol But anyways, here’s what’s gone down for February. These measurements were taken March 2, 2013.

Neck:  13.5 inches
34.5 inches
29 inches
30 inches
36 inches
Arms, Relaxed:  
11 inches
Arms, Flexed: 
12 inches
23 inches
18 inches
14.5 inches
192.4 lbs :)

Still doing good! I slimmed down way more than I expected and I’m very excited for that! I’ve been doing tons of squats, though not on a consistent basis. I was trying to do the Squat Challenge, but I may have to restart it because I haven’t done it in about a week. Them squats were KILLIN mah legs! But it all worked out for the best!

Soo, achievements for this month?

Well, I found out that I CAN actually fit into size 8 skinny jeans. I thought it would be a 10 because I have relatively big calves as well as thighs, but I was surprised when they actually came on. And size 6s still fit, actually, they’re beginning to fit BETTER. I was in the fitting room yesterday at work (I had just clocked out) and figured I would try on some size 6 capri’s that I really like and I thought that would be kinda hard to pull on, considering the material, but low and behold they came up with ease! It was a slight tug but not as hard as it used to be, nowhere NEAR that hard. lol And I’m slowly coming into size 4s now. I have a pair of size 4 capris that I bought from my store for like….$3 (my best experience with clearance EVER lol) and they’re actually almost up my hips. I have a like a pinch more to go before they can fit and button! It’s amazing to me because when I first got them, they would barely come up over my knees which lets me know I’ve slimmed down a LOT since December! I mean, homie I’m almost a size 4!!!!!!!!!!! No way in the world I would’ve even THOUGHT about being a size 4 two or three years ago when I was pushing 18s! I’ve never uttered these words that I’m about to say ever in my life, not even the deserted recesses of my mind but:

I might actually want to try and a be a size 2!!!!!!!!!