It’s like a push or pull with me. Sometimes I’m there and other times it’s like… … … wow. Did you just…really?
Because I’m so quiet and to myself, people automatically categorize me into this “unidentified” mark I suppose and they talk to me as if they have to think for me. And it’s like, “no, no ma’am I most certainly DO have a brain”, but something in my brain doesn’t click when I need it to. I don’t know if my thinking process is abnormally LONG or abnormally short but it’s definitely not in tune with other people in society… I guess. I feel twelve around some people and forty around others. But above all, I feel… alienated. Just weird, lately I’ve been having a weird week. People keep staring at me and because I don’t like being around people as it is, I don’t know if this is them being normal or if it’s something about me but I’ve had to confront a couple of people about their staring issues and I just wonder…why?
I try not to think that people are watching me and that it could just be my paranoia acting up but it seems like when I do let my guard down, that’s when people start approaching me with all this “why don’t you ever do this?” and “why don’t you ever do that?” and “you’re always so this….or that” which leads me to believe…yeah. I’m being watched. Maybe the average person doesn’t have a problem with that, or those who grew up in a rather large and loving community or just big families or whatever the deal but, me, personally…
I have a problem with that.
Don’t watch me like you know me. If you’re gonna people watch, my advice is get some SHADES. Don’t just stare people down as their walking I mean people do still get self-conscious ya know.
And I know what many people will probably tell me. “This a new age, you gotta build your confidence. And everybody in the world ain’t paying attention to you”. Yes, it’s a new age, and yes I gotta get comfortable in my skin but does that mean I don’t have a right to feel what I feel? I mean, since when is it against the law to not want my privacy invaded? Just like with this blog thing, or not even this, just social medias in general. I mean NOTHING is private, people have to voice everything. Maybe it’s just me….okay it IS me, but I like when people have a little privacy about them. It makes them more interesting. That could very well explain why people always feel the need to “figure me out” and I’m left there looking at them thinking to myself, “there’s really nothing to FIGURE OUT”. People don’t ask me things, they just automatically assume…I think they like it that way. Oh, there I go assuming. lol! *Fail*
I mean, I was just noticing today while I was out and about how I really do not like running into the same people all the time. lol All my bus drivers, students at school, people that I pass by everyday while on my way to the bus stops, they’re regulars you know? Even at the resturaunts I go eat at it, I promise you I HATE becoming a regular. lol I really do, because then people seem to expect you to make conversation with them and I’ll be honest, I don’t really have conversation for these people. Or perhaps I do but my delivery is… off. Amatuer you could even say. And then there’s that awkward moment when they’re standing there fixing your plate and you have nothing to say but just stand there smiling….ugh, gawd. My communication needs more than a tweak! But you know what, oh well! Because on this world there is a variety of people right? And I just happen to be apart of that variety that doesn’t like to talk.
So bite me.
You know what? I won’t let anybody make me feel bad for being who I am.
I’m saying that now, but we’ll see what happens tomorrow. lol