My Bird’s Been Shot

I haven’t told you guys what great news happened while I was at my job a couple nights ago! There was a couple that came in that were very impressed with my customer service and they offered me a job with much better perks than I have currently. They told me that they would talk to their manager and try to get me an interview and of course, I jumped onboard for it. I mean if you have the audacity to come on my JOB and offer me a new position, SOMETHING has to be good about it. 😉

So he just called me tonight to see if I was still interested in coming to see what they were all about and I am….until I found out it was out by UCF. I will admit…I wasn’t really listening when he was telling me where they were and what position they were willing to hire me for (I was still high on “eh mah gawd, i just got interviewed on my job!!!” lol.

But now my heart’s a little heavy because if the position IS that far out by UCF then I have NO reason to accept that job because it’s waaaay too far. I’m hoping deep down it’s one of those things where this is where they will interview at and NOT where the actual position will be. I don’t know what I was thinking when I said “okay, I’ll be there”. But… I can’t be there. And it’s gonna KILL me to tell that man that I can’t accept that job because it’s too far out for me to come out.

But I’m hoping, I have a “little” bit of hope that I’m wrong. Because, I told them I was in school and they know where I work so why would they offer me a job that was so far out of the way? I dunno, but if it is where the position is number one, I WILL be pissed. And number 2, waaaay too depressed to even think about therapy.

You know why? Because THIS was gonna be the job that would’ve created an outlet for me. It could’ve been the job to help me get a car, to help me get my bucket list ideas out, to help me CHANGE. And I have no way to get there……….UGGGGGGGGH GAAAAAAAAAAWD!

I’m so over having to pass up great oppurtunities because I have no way to get there.

You know…I know I said I would use that financial aid disbursement to get a computer which I kinda need for class….but I may turn around and get a car with it. So sick of “not having the means to get there” and having to rely on everyone else to help me get there. Man I don’t want to tell that man I can’t accept that position but hey…it may not have even been legit. It may have been just as cruddy as the job I have now.

Awww who am I kidding, I could’ve had something great! 😦 *pouting*




Sweet, Sweet….Dust.

I’ve hit that part of my life where I just want to turn into colorful pixelated dust and blow away in the breeze.

When depression hits, lawd knows it hits HARD.

But who cares right? Cause it’s just another…whatever people think. I’m so annoyed and I don’t want to be bothered even thought I do. I just don’t want it to be the “wrong” person that comes. I need someone who will listen to me the way I listen to them. Not listen for a few seconds and automatically assume they have the prescription for my ‘unhappiness’. Nooo I’ve figured that out already, I just need for you to be my friend.

And when I say that I mean “MY” definition of friend.

Not oh you just need to go shopping and do all this other stuff sometimes, I just want you to LISTEN and say that you CARE even if you DON’T. SOMETIMES I don’t need to hear what’s wrong with me, 9 out of 10 times I already KNOW. Sometimes, I just want…. I don’t even know anymore. My brain is exhausted trying to figure it all out.

Just turn me into dust…colorful dust, and let me blow in the breeze.

Right now, I think that’s what will make me the happiest.



This Whole Bucket List Thing…

STILL have not sat down to start thinking up what I wanna do.

I think in a sense, I’m avoiding it. Until I watched “Wipeout” last night (ya’ll that is the GREATEST show for meaningless laughter lol!) but one of the contestants on there was a 19 year old high schooler who said that being on Wipeout was on her Bucket List. And you know what? She won the whole show! Her name was Camille “Bucket List” Bulot.

I thought that was so cool that she got on it and won the entire show and took home $50,000! I’m not saying I would want to get on Wipeout though I love the show, but those obstacle courses look mad tough and dizzying. But sometimes I wonder why I haven’t even sat down to conjure up a list of ideas. I speak all the time about wanting to change but sometimes, I feel like there’s this tiny little cell in my body that’s not onboard for the change and it’s influencing the rest of me. My heart’s in the right place but maybe my conscious is a little TOO conscious.

So I’m forcing myself to come up with some ideas. And these are some that keep sticking to my mind:

  • Indoor Skydiving Facility….here I come!
  • Travel to: London/Paris, Italy, Barcelona, and Canada.
  • Go on a hiking trail
  • Attend a show at the Bob Carr
  • Go to an Art Museum
  • Go to a Spa Resort
  • Learn how to Surf
  • Learn how to Ice Skate
  • Take a Pole Dancing Class (yeah….I said it….lol)
  • Meet Bruno Mars….or at least go to a Concert lol

Umm yeah. Nothing too big and fancy. I’m working up to the big things. If you read my post about my trip to the fair, then you already know I have a fear of heights. Well, at least rocking booths in the air. I didn’t even know I was that terrified of the Ferris Wheel….until I got on it. LOL! But anyways, I’ll go now. Maybe this shall be my Bucket List for now. We’ll see what happens shall we?



My Trip to the Fair…

So a couple of days ag on Friday night, I headed out to the Fair with my family, not really itching to go in the first place because 1) it was cold and 2) I was thinking I kinda grew out of the Fair. Both were true, but for once, I got talked back into going.

And realized why I wasn’t going anymore.

Everything initially was pretty much the same, the security that check your bags, the ticket salesmans, all that stuff but going in there, it seemed like I would’ve remembered it differently had I been a child compared to when I went last Friday. Now you know (if you’ve ever been) how the mini game people heckle you to come and pay for a little show or game because hey, that’s what they’re there to do right? But for some reason, these people seemed very aggressive, almost like beggars. Maybe even like homeless people…..with a job. Passed by one guy and he was heckling my dad for a good couple of minutes saying “C’mon man, gimme five bucks so I can buy a beer!”…..I don’t think I remembered any of that when I was like 11…. The staff seemed oblivious of the people, everyone looked positively pissed and bored, nobody cracked a smile for a nothing! I promise you the only people who looked remotely happy were the kids!

So I played a mini game and won a little killer way stuffed animal. I felt so bad I kinda got coaxed into it. The guy told me “It’s been slow all week! Nobody comes to the fair anymore!”

You’re right about that. Why would they when they’ve got games and TV and quick-processed food? I never realized this as a kid but these people travel with the Fair and I guess that’s why I felt a little sorry for them. But, maybe they get business elsewhere huh? I’m thinking that eventually the Fair may close down because it’s really no business there. The park was pretty much EMPTY. I mean, there’s more people on that property when there’s a JOB Fair as opposed to the FAIR Fair, ya know?

BUT, i did do my own little bit of fear-conquering. I have to say that I am NOT a Ride Fanatic! I hate even the slightest Turbo of speed. Picture Spongebob….anywhere…..yeah. That pretty much explains it. lol

But my mom wanted me to get on at least one ride and so I chose the Ferris Wheel thinking that would be easy for me because I would go on it as a kid.

Why in the Heeby Jeebies did I EVER do that?

I got on it, nerves were in complete chaos before I even TOUCHED the seat. Got in it, and then the wheel started turning and we were going up, and up….and up. Mom had to blatantly note how fast the wheel would go while we were going up and I immediately got those “I’m-Gonna-Die” nerves though I tried to not let it show too much. Trying to be tough on the Ferris Wheel! LOL Go ahead and laugh, cause at least I did it! I was pretty good and getting comfortable at least until we were STOPPED at the very TOP of the doggone thing! And then the seats started rocking back and forth. I promise you ever single bad scenario played in my mind like some hyper movie. I thought the bolts would unscrew and we would tumble to the ground, another seat would bump into us and make the seat rock even more, I thought about the wheel becoming unhinged from the rest of the ride and rolling off into the distance, GAWD I wanted to start crying. lol But I didn’t, I kept laughing it off and holding on for dear life. And then the man finally brought us back down, I can’t tell you how I fast I got out of that little seat!

Yeah, that was a bit too much for me. But I was just trying to make the best of that little fair but I garuntee you one thing.

I ain’t going back. lol


Fitness Monthly- March 6

This is for FEBRUARY. Buuut, I was a little late on getting it in. Ya’ll know how it is. lol But anyways, here’s what’s gone down for February. These measurements were taken March 2, 2013.

Neck:  13.5 inches
34.5 inches
29 inches
30 inches
36 inches
Arms, Relaxed:  
11 inches
Arms, Flexed: 
12 inches
23 inches
18 inches
14.5 inches
192.4 lbs :)

Still doing good! I slimmed down way more than I expected and I’m very excited for that! I’ve been doing tons of squats, though not on a consistent basis. I was trying to do the Squat Challenge, but I may have to restart it because I haven’t done it in about a week. Them squats were KILLIN mah legs! But it all worked out for the best!

Soo, achievements for this month?

Well, I found out that I CAN actually fit into size 8 skinny jeans. I thought it would be a 10 because I have relatively big calves as well as thighs, but I was surprised when they actually came on. And size 6s still fit, actually, they’re beginning to fit BETTER. I was in the fitting room yesterday at work (I had just clocked out) and figured I would try on some size 6 capri’s that I really like and I thought that would be kinda hard to pull on, considering the material, but low and behold they came up with ease! It was a slight tug but not as hard as it used to be, nowhere NEAR that hard. lol And I’m slowly coming into size 4s now. I have a pair of size 4 capris that I bought from my store for like….$3 (my best experience with clearance EVER lol) and they’re actually almost up my hips. I have a like a pinch more to go before they can fit and button! It’s amazing to me because when I first got them, they would barely come up over my knees which lets me know I’ve slimmed down a LOT since December! I mean, homie I’m almost a size 4!!!!!!!!!!! No way in the world I would’ve even THOUGHT about being a size 4 two or three years ago when I was pushing 18s! I’ve never uttered these words that I’m about to say ever in my life, not even the deserted recesses of my mind but:

I might actually want to try and a be a size 2!!!!!!!!!


A Bucket List?

Subscribed to a blog that I hit and miss frequently but she has so many cool adventures and goes so many places and travels and all that cool stuff and that’s what I wanna do. But then there’s that part of me that seems to can’t let go of obligations and other “already set in place” dreams that I can’t let go of. Things like toning up, growing longer hair, trying to buy a car, and other necessities that take money which take jobs which takes school to get to. And I guess I’m just dangerously impatient with it all. I dunno, I think I have this subconscious thought to be the perfect person BEFORE I start living my life rather than doing so WHILE I am. Little things such as buying clothes that are purposely smaller rather than buying them when they fit just right cause I always say to myself “I’m not going anywhere now” but for some odd reason I just keep thinking that my life will magically get busy when I hit a size 4 or even a 2 (I’ve thought about it). Wearing my hair in these same boring hairstyles because I want it to grow long, making myself work hours at a job I can’t stand (honestly) just because I need to save up and get a car when all I really want to do is just let go of it all and stop planning every damn thing and just roll with it. So sick of strategizing everything you know? Every paycheck I get I have to budget this and budget that, I mean how do people just throw it all in the air and live? How do they do that? I wanna know how to do that! But alas, here I am getting ready to go to work to make try and get closer to one goal: getting a car! Someday I would love to go parasailing, or even just try out that indoor skydiving facility that I passed by one day on a bus ride. I would love to travel to a different country, interact with exotic animals (I would LOVE to see a white tiger, it’s my favorite animal….besides the penguin…). I would love to… know, when I come back home I think I’m gonna jot down some ideas. She came up with 50 things for the year, but she can roll like that. I’ll come up with 50 things in general. Sick of being in a rut, gotta start doing SOMETHING that makes me happy now and not sometime in the future you know? But when do I start doing that? I always question this…but I just never have an answer.



Oblivious and Private…Sooooome Combination…

It’s like a push or pull with me. Sometimes I’m there and other times it’s like… … … wow. Did you just…really?

Because I’m so quiet and to myself, people automatically categorize me into this “unidentified” mark I suppose and they talk to me as if they have to think for me. And it’s like, “no, no ma’am I most certainly DO have a brain”, but something in my brain doesn’t click when I need it to. I don’t know if my thinking process is abnormally LONG or abnormally short but it’s definitely not in tune with other people in society… I guess. I feel twelve around some people and forty around others. But above all, I feel… alienated. Just weird, lately I’ve been having a weird week. People keep staring at me and because I don’t like being around people as it is, I don’t know if this is them being normal or if it’s something about me but I’ve had to confront a couple of people about their staring issues and I just wonder…why?

I try not to think that people are watching me and that it could just be my paranoia acting up but it seems like when I do let my guard down, that’s when people start approaching me with all this “why don’t you ever do this?” and “why don’t you ever do that?” and “you’re always so this….or that” which leads me to believe…yeah. I’m being watched. Maybe the average person doesn’t have a problem with that, or those who grew up in a rather large and loving community or just big families or whatever the deal but, me, personally…

I have a problem with that.

Don’t watch me like you know me. If you’re gonna people watch, my advice is get some SHADES. Don’t just stare people down as their walking I mean people do still get self-conscious ya know.

And I know what many people will probably tell me. “This a new age, you gotta build your confidence. And everybody in the world ain’t paying attention to you”. Yes, it’s a new age, and yes I gotta get comfortable in my skin but does that mean I don’t have a right to feel what I feel? I mean, since when is it against the law to not want my privacy invaded? Just like with this blog thing, or not even this, just social medias in general. I mean NOTHING is private, people have to voice everything. Maybe it’s just me….okay it IS me, but I like when people have a little privacy about them. It makes them more interesting. That could very well explain why people always feel the need to “figure me out” and I’m left there looking at them thinking to myself, “there’s really nothing to FIGURE OUT”. People don’t ask me things, they just automatically assume…I think they like it that way. Oh, there I go assuming. lol! *Fail*

I mean, I was just noticing today while I was out and about how I really do not like running into the same people all the time. lol All my bus drivers, students at school, people that I pass by everyday while on my way to the bus stops, they’re regulars you know? Even at the resturaunts I go eat at it, I promise you I HATE becoming a regular. lol I really do, because then people seem to expect you to make conversation with them and I’ll be honest, I don’t really have conversation for these people. Or perhaps I do but my delivery is… off. Amatuer you could even say. And then there’s that awkward moment when they’re standing there fixing your plate and you have nothing to say but just stand there smiling….ugh, gawd. My communication needs more than a tweak! But you know what, oh well! Because on this world there is a variety of people right? And I just happen to be apart of that variety that doesn’t like to talk.

So bite me.

You know what? I won’t let anybody make me feel bad for being who I am.


I’m saying that now, but we’ll see what happens tomorrow. lol